I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
