The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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