Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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