dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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