Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
