i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
