Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
