I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
