I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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