im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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