Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
