I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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