let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
