I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
