Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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