I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
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