I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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