remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
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