and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
He had one of those small greek statue penises
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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