Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i would punch a child for taco bell
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
false alarm. still invincible.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
