Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
