Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
