I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
