I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
