I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
