guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
