My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I look excited, but its just a facade.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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