Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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