Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
