my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
