Please, let me fuck your mom
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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