In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Randomize
