Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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