I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
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