Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
