Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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