the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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