My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
