Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
