i permit you to call me
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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