If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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