There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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