girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Randomize
