he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
