Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
love makes seman taste better
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
