Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
