3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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