I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
