woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
