Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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