We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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