youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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